Germany's Military Journal
by puppyrock3
Summary: This is a journal based around Germany and Prussia's brotherly relationship in the circle four twitter RP group (circle4world). It started off as a military account of WW2 (RP backstory) and ended up as more of a personal journal of Ludwig's experiences. Originally there was one more entry that was a bit of a happy ending but I seem to have lost it. If I find it I will add it.


(Author Note: the numbers start in the hundreds because this is assuming he has been writing in this journal since World War 1- i.e. episode 27 of hetalia. They are in the order to be read, not numerical order. It can be assumed he wrote them in numerical order, however.)

**Entry number two hundred and forty seven**

Today, my brother is finally home. I was very happy to see him again at first, but he does not seem to know where he is now or recognize me at all. I am not sure if this is because I have changed or because he has. He is very sick. I must take care of him, as he has done for me.

**Entry number two hundred and fifty**

I do not know what I am doing. I have stayed awake every night since my first entry detailing my brother's return home. He will not eat or sleep. He does not say anything. What has happened to him? On official business, several other countries have occupied my home in the last few days. I feel less than hospitable; my home is no longer as large as it once was due to the reparations of- I should not be worrying about that. No, I feel less than hospitable because I am tired after caring for my brother all of these days. I will not stop, however. The others keep telling me he is gone, and that I should not be keeping him alive as I am. Then they ask how I am doing, but I am not entirely sure they actually want to know the answer. I do not even know the answer anymore.

**Entry number one hundred and seventy five.**

Today I ashamedly fell asleep in my office. I should not have. My bosses have told me several times that the office is not a place for sleeping. My bosses are ordering me around to the point of exhaustion. They keep giving me orders. They keep telling me to do things I do not understand. I must follow orders. I must follow orders. I must. I have always been obedient. I have not seen my brother in 6 months. Is he also being ordered around? Where is my brother? I must follow orders.

**Entry number one hundred and eighty seven**

They have told me to forget my brother. They have told me to forget everyone. Kiku and Feliciano are scared. I must forget them and their fear. That is what I have been told. My brother is never afraid. I wish I were as strong as Gilbert. Then maybe I would not be so afraid to forget everyone. They told me to, so I must. I do not want to forget everyone. What will happen to them if I forget? What will happen to me if I forget? What is already happening to me? Why must I always follow orders? They do not give me reasons. They just say do. I am not a servant. I am stronger than that. Am I really strong? Am I strong enough to forget everyone for this dream? What happens if they succeed? Will the others' disappear? What happens if we fail again? I must follow orders.

**Entry number one hundred and ninety two**

Nothing worth reporting happened today. Or will ever happen. I no longer see events as eventful or uneventful. If it was worth reporting, my bosses would have told me to write it down. They have not ordered me to write, they have ordered me to work and so I will stop.

**Entry number two hundred and sixty one**

Since Gilbert has come home, I am not sure how many days it has been. Maybe a month or two? Neither of us has slept. I have coaxed him into eating but he just gets sick. He still will not speak to me. I have been forgetting meals for myself as I try to get my brother to eat. I cannot afford so many meals as it is. I should set a better example, but I am so tired. I write in this journal to keep myself awake. I am sure I look awful to my… what are they? Coworkers? They are not friends. Does it matter what I look like to them? They want me to pay and they want my brother to die. I miss my brother.

**Entry number two hundred and sixty three**

Today I finally slept. I was reassured as Gilbert said my name. He has not eaten still, but he said my name. I probably should not be so hopeful. I do not know what will happen now. If he will ever get better. His country is no longer here- but he always said that something awful happened to Vati. That he knew for certain Vati was not coming back. Is this what happened to him? If so, why did Gilbert not bring Vati home that night? No, this must be something else. It has to be. Therefore, I must believe Gilly will get better. For my sake if not for his. Without concentrating on this, what will stop me from falling back into that insanity? Kiku is still hurt and Feliciano will not visit. I think he is still scared of me. I would be scared of me too. Maybe Gilbert is too scared to go to sleep.

**Entry number two hundred and sixty four**

I thought he was doing better, but in the last few hours he has tried to kill himself twice. He stood- he stood and I was so happy. My brother, who had laid in my bed staring at a wall for what feels like a month or so just stood up. Then he tried to jump out of my second floor window. I had to pin him down for an hour before he stopped struggling and went back to staring at the wall. I worry about leaving him by himself. I have brought all of my work in here. I fear… I fear I am falling apart. I fear even worse that he is falling apart. I wish someone could help him or me. Or both.

**Entry number two hundred and sixty five**

I called Feliciano today for the first time in several weeks. He says he is worried. I hung up. I am always worried.

**Entry number two hundred and sixty eight**

He has tried to kill himself twenty times in the last few days. I do not know what is wrong. He called me a monster, amongst other things. Is it an improvement that he is talking and moving? Or is he getting worse?

**Entry number two hundred and seventy five**

We are both so tired. I do not know when this is going to end. He only tried once today- and I hugged him to me as usual and would not stop until he hugged me back. I want to tell him not to leave me, but I do not understand. Is he in pain because of me? Or is his mind still back there. He is so quiet now. The brother I knew was never quiet. I cannot imagine what he went through on the other side of the wall. It was painful without him here, but I am sure it was not as painful as his injuries that I had to wrap up before I brought him home. He heals just like we all do, but that does not always mean the damage is done. Moreover, he was without me as well, I hope he missed me- even if he does think me a monster holding him back from death now. Honestly, I do not think he has home yet. Not really. His mind is far away from here, and wherever his mind is located, that place is killing him. I want to bring him back. I thought I had him back.

**Entry number three hundred and seven**

Today Gilbert and I went for a walk. Kiku suggested to me on the phone that it helps him as he is healing to walk amongst his people. He is weak and could not go very far before I had to carry him home, but I think perhaps the air did him good. I was just glad to be outside. I have been caring for him for so long that the sun's warmth was foreign to me. If it was possible for me in just a few months to forget the sun's rays then I hate to imagine what he has forgotten the years he spent behind the wall. What did he forget? Did he forget me?

**Entry number three hundred and twenty seven**

He seems to be doing well; the attempts at suicide are lessening to only a few times a week. I am proud of him. He said that the only reason he is not is because he needs to make sure I get some good night's sleep. While that may be true, I wish he would take his own advice …and also eat more than just an egg per day. It is amazing to me how often these journals have been about nothing related to me personally or the military. So much for military journals. Now that Gilbert is called "East Germany", perhaps these really are about me- or part of me. Gilbert always said he would one day give me everything. If it means losing my brother, I am not sure that I want it anymore. After wanting every land I could see a few months ago, I think that maybe this is an improvement on my part. I still have not called Feliciano back. This time I am afraid of calling him. I do not know if he will ever forgive me. I do not know if I deserve it.

**Entry number four hundred**

Today Gilbert decided it would be a good idea to have his friends over for a few drinks. I opted out of staying. For one, I still feel as if I could sleep for days, and two I am not completely convinced that Francine does not want me dead. I would not blame her, but as I still wish to continue living, I avoided their outing. I am now pondering if letting Gilbert have the car keys was a good idea, but I must learn to trust him again. He is still somewhat self destructive, but he appears to have his normal smirk and attitude back again. His friends have been calling me nonstop since he was up and moving to come over, but with everything going on I had denied their arrival. I wonder if Gil was upset with me for that reason when he yelled at me a week ago, but I think that perhaps he was just stressed.

**Entry number one hundred and twelve**

During the course of writing this journal, I have never been under the pretense that I was writing to anyone but myself. However, since I have no one else to ask questions to any longer I must ask you this, journal, why was Gilbert taken from me? It seemed he had only just come back to Roderich and Elizabeta's home to be in my life again when suddenly he was gone. Every day I wait for someone to tell me that this was all just some joke and that Gilbert was just playing a prank. He was just using it as an excuse not to do any work. No, I cannot face this. Kiku has stopped answering my calls. Perhaps I am annoying him and Feliciano with all of my desperation. I wish I could call Russia and yell at him. I wish I could ask someone for help in this. What should I do? I wish I could ask my brother for help in this matter, a journal will give me no answers.


End file.
